Memories in the Rain
by Toxic D
Summary: another rain fic - Gojyo's POV. Gojyo finally can't stand being around the others and has to take a walk to clear his mind.


(Saiyuki is not my property. I own no rights to anything but my opinion.)  
  
Rain doesn't mean that much to me. I can walk in it and watch it run down the sides of buildings, puddle in gutters, and it doesn't do anything to me. After all, it's just weather.  
  
I kicked a tin can as I trudged along an alley in the village where we were spending the night. It was about 11: 30 at night and I wasn't at all tired. Call it my nature. I like the night. People are more relaxed, things are casual. It suits me great.  
  
To tell you the truth, I left the inn because that hypocritical priest and the others were beginning to get on my nerves. To put it politely. I try to be polite – when I'm in the mood. No, nevermind. I don't really.  
  
I glanced up at the sky. It was a dark gray angry bruise. It reminded me of too many bar fights. I shrugged, the umbrella I'd borrowed on my shoulder. What can both people so much about rain? Hakkai gets depressed and Sanzo gets edgy and smokes a heck of a lot more than he would if it were sunny out.  
  
Anyway, that's them. It's not me. I just walk, wishing I had some warm babe walking next to me and giggling over how handsome she thought I was. I guess that's my version of escape. I couldn't even count them on my fingers – all the women I'd been with.  
  
I laughed. I guess you could say I was proud of my accomplishments. It's not as if they hadn't been willing. Besides, some of them just spent time with me, without the sex.  
  
I pulled my lighter out of my pocket and lit a dry cigarette. The one I'd had before got soggy when I tried to walk near a building and water washed over the edge of the roof. Now I was wet as well as bored.  
  
I cursed the weather. It was there to get in my way, that's all. It wasn't like it was some memory hanging over my head like it was for the others.  
  
Hakkai's face was so hopeless tonight that I couldn't stand to be around him. It's like he was distracted and nothing I said would change anything for him. I can't even talk to him on nights like these.  
  
I frowned and spat a few more words into the rain. There wasn't anyone around to hear them anyway. Like I'd care if there was. Maybe women. I have a certain respect for women, although nobody thinks that. None of 'em have ever complained, is all I can say.  
  
The farther I walked, the more I was starting to head out of town. So, I turned around and walked back. I kept my eyes to the wet ground. If this was how our journey was going to go on, I didn't want to be any part of it. Nobody considers how hard it is for a guy like me to be with a group of messed up weirdos like that. I mean, I think of myself as one of the more 'normal' ones.  
  
I chuckled. Yea. Me normal. That'd be the day. I had never been normal a day in my life. So, what? Was I lyin' to myself? It wouldn't be the first time. I had tried to convince myself of things in the past.  
  
Maybe that's why the rain made everyone crazy. They had to stay in one place and listen to the voices of their own memories. It's like the dam broke and it all washed in at once. I guess that's how to explain it. All our ghosts tormented us when it rained. They stared us in the face from the darkness of our thoughts, our empty rooms.  
  
My ghosts weren't visiting me tonight. I had had enough of everyone else's and right now I was more concerned with escape. Call it selfish, if you want. I couldn't do anything, so I might as well disappear myself.  
  
That's why I decided to take a walk. I left Hakkai and his pitiful face behind at the inn. Who am I kidding? I can't stand to see him look like that. He's usually the one so concerned with us. He's always worried about if we're taking care of ourselves or if any of us is hurt.  
  
Stupid guy. He's selfish. He knows it too. He still keeps on, though. He doesn't care if what we really want is for him to take care of himself and not lose himself in depression. That's just what this strange little group would need.  
  
I stepped down in a puddle and got my boot soaked. I cursed, at the rain, the puddle, just everything that was getting to me lately. It's been like this for awhile.  
  
I wouldn't admit that to anyone – especially Hakkai. I don't want anything to go misunderstood.  
  
I pushed other thoughts out of my head. Things just wouldn't work if I got mixed up in this mood of theirs too. At least Goku isn't moping around. But he reacts to how Sanzo treats him, so, I wouldn't be surprised.  
  
I stepped in puddles, not caring that I was getting wet anymore. My mood was souring. I was taking long drags on my cigarette and I could feel my face hardening into a frown. This ain't me. It's just not my style to get all worked up over stuff that doesn't matter and will pass with the rain.  
  
Yea, the morning would come and then the guys would all be back to their usual selves. It was something you could win a bet on. Bets made around here are a sure thing – if you know what the odds are. You gotta know your risks. That's what I always say, but then I don't usually care about risks.  
  
I've taken risks – plenty. Some chances are just there. They aren't even chances at all. You're faced with a decision and all you can do is do it. Go through with it.  
  
Tonight my decision was to stay and do no good to anyone or to leave and keep a scrap of sanity. That's right. Sanity. Sometimes walking in the rain helps a guy keep his thoughts straight, helps him know fantasy from reality. I couldn't help thinking of another time I had to get away from everything. I took off into the rain then too. I didn't care. Things were just getting far too heavy where I was.  
  
That's when I found Hakkai. Yea, I can see why rain can mean something to him and bother him so much. He's been through more than I have. For what it's worth, I think he's stronger for all the crap he's taken.  
  
I tried to relax a little, stopping a moment near a tree not too far from the inn. I wasn't ready to go back there. This was going to be another long night and I just wasn't in the mood to go through it.  
  
You'd think saving a guy's life would mean something, wouldn't you? He's saved mine more times than I remember. Just call it even, Hakkai. All I want is for you to keep from dying. I can't always be there to stitch you back up.  
  
I looked through the rain toward the lights of the inn. I thought I saw someone standing in the door, but maybe it was my imagination. I flicked the cigarette butt into the mud.  
  
So, with all this going through my mind, I just leaned against a tree and watched the inn. I didn't have a curfew, after all. They could just wait for me. If they wondered where I was, all the better.  
  
I heard a dog bark a block away and some lady yelling at it. I chuckled. I guess all the strays were out and wandering on a night like this. All the lost souls were staring at lights and choosing to stay outside, alone in the darkness.  
  
I lit another cigarette and held my hand over the lighter's flame. It was a cold rain and I was starting to feel it. I was letting myself get washed over by memories just like the others. I grumbled about that, trying to get myself in a better mood. It just wasn't working.  
  
That dog had run off to another door. Maybe he was begging for food. I shook my head. I wished I didn't have to hear him. Some people don't know when to give up. Then again, if we gave up, where would any of us be? And me – I was here to keep it all together. Just to get by daily and have a little fun. Yep, that was the reason for my existence.  
  
I kicked my foot against the tree and headed toward the light of the inn. I was a sucker. I didn't like to see anybody hurt anymore than Hakkai did. That was my secret flaw. Not really a flaw at all, when you think about it – and not so secret. Like I said, Hakkai knew. He knew a lot about me. And he knew I would come back tonight even if I walked out. I always went after him when he needed somebody to talk to. I just couldn't sit by and watch him grow more and more distant and more and more consumed by his thoughts. He thought too much, that was it. I knew he'd never change.  
  
I shook out the umbrella under the little inn roof. So, here I was. Back again. What now? We'd sit and say nothing I guess, because I had nothing to say. I'd said it all before and it didn't matter.  
  
I pushed the door open and stepped inside the warm room. Fire lit the place and Hakkai was sitting in a chair in front of it. He turned to look at me when I came in.  
  
"Oh, Gojyo. I wondered where you were. Are you alright? The hostess brought some food, but Sanzo doesn't feel like eating. It's on the table, if you're hungry."  
  
His face was the smile as always. I shrugged and mumbled something about taking a walk and that I wasn't really hungry. Then I went over and sat in the chair next to him.  
  
"Are you feeling better?" I asked, watching him, knowing full well what he'd say.  
  
He nodded. "Yes, a little. You know how nights like these affect me. I just need to try to think of something else."  
  
I stared at the fire. I didn't know what to say to him. "Yea. That's why I left."  
  
I could feel him watching me with those sad and concerned eyes. I didn't even look at him.  
  
"I know this must get hard for you," he said quietly. "We all just have times when we can't show a good face to anyone – especially those who know us well."  
  
I nodded, daring a glance at him. I didn't want to see those eyes. I couldn't do anything to make him feel any better and it was a useless thing to try.  
  
"I'd rather not see you like this," I admitted. "I might say stuff, but nothing that'll help." I flicked my cigarette into the fire.  
  
He leaned forward at my statement. "You do help me, Gojyo. Just by being here." He smiled a little. "Before, I was alone, but not when I'm with you or Sanzo or Goku. That's all I need really. So, don't be hard on yourself."  
  
I folded my arms over the back of the chair and rested my chin on my arms. "You ever think that this journey will go on forever? Ever think what we do doesn't even matter?"  
  
He sighed like a patient teacher over a student's ridiculous question. "I don't believe that our efforts will be in vain, Gojyo. I think each of us has his own role to play. We might not know the outcome, but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't try to do our best."  
  
I glanced at him. Always the calm one. He never seemed to lack an answer for anything. I chuckled.  
  
"You always know what to say, Hakkai Sensei. Someday there'll be something you don't know and then what'll ya do?"  
  
He laughed. "I will make something up."  
  
I grinned and laughed at that, the mood lightened. He did seem to have a talent for making up things as he went – something I wasn't as good at. I guess I'd always be the guy who never changed. My temper made me as hard to shift as a boulder.  
  
I looked for a minute at the fire and back at him and said, "Teach me a few things if you ever get the time. You know how I've always wanted to be like you." I grinned.  
  
He laughed again and threatened me with a look. "You're just fine the way you are, Gojyo. If you weren't wild and exciting, people wouldn't recognize you!"  
  
I shrugged, folding my arms behind my head. "Nah, they'd always know me."  
  
He reached over and tugged on a strand of my hair. "Yes, as long as your hair is this color." He smiled.  
  
I smiled back. I wouldn't let other people say much about my hair, but I knew that Hakkai understood. I glanced over at the door to the bedrooms.  
  
"Where are the monkey and the bad-tempered monk?"  
  
Hakkai looked over also, then back at my face. "Goku went to bed. He got tired of trying to talk to Sanzo." He sighed.  
  
I studied his face. He looked as if he needed to sleep too. I wondered when the last time he'd slept was.  
  
"You need to go to bed, Hakkai," I murmured, still watching him, hoping he wouldn't argue.  
  
He glanced over at me and his shoulders sagged. He nodded. "Yes. I have been very tired lately."  
  
He stood up and stretched. He looked very thin and I wondered if he had eaten. He gave me a half-hearted smile and started toward the bedrooms.  
  
"Oi, Hakkai."  
  
He glanced over his shoulder. "Yes, Gojyo? What is it?"  
  
"You better take care of yourself," I said. "It's not a good idea for you to go without food and sleep."  
  
He paused and stared down at the floor. "I try, Gojyo. Sometimes I just don't have the will to do it."  
  
This chilled me. I sat there just staring at him. "Hakkai."  
  
He looked at me then and there was an obvious desolation in his eyes. I felt inadequate to handle it.  
  
"Hakkai, if you don't do this for them, do it for me."  
  
He looked terribly desperate. I persisted.  
  
"I saved your life. Do you think I did it for no reason?" I made sure to speak in a gentle way and not make him feel worse.  
  
He shook his head. "You know I am grateful, Gojyo."  
  
"Yea." I glanced at the fire. "But you don't know what happens to other people when you let yourself get like this."  
  
He walked over and gazed down at me. I didn't look up to talk to him.  
  
"I'm sorry. I do forget that, Gojyo." He sank to his knees beside my chair. "That's why I need you to remind me."  
  
I looked at him, into a face that could hide emotion like I could hide virtue. "Who will remind me not to take you so seriously?"  
  
He smiled, chuckled softly, and placed a hand on my arm. "Now don't go getting so sober, dear Gojyo. You, among others, ought to know when I'm serious or not."  
  
I chuckled, but it was empty. The truth was, I didn't always know. Sometimes I wondered if he cared about those of us who did worry when he was in one of his dark moods.  
  
He continued to gaze at me with a gentle, knowing expression. He expected my response to be just what it was and I didn't disappoint him. How could I? Somehow I imagined he knew anyway what I was hiding behind it.  
  
I shrugged and murmured casually that I was going to go to bed. This night was weighing heavy on me again. I didn't want to give him any more to worry about.  
  
He nodded and smiled a little, getting up. I stood up from my chair and plodded over to my bedroom door. He was watching after me as I went.  
  
"If it's any consolation, Gojyo," I heard the quiet remark over my shoulder. "I do care that you worried about me."  
  
I had my hand on the door and I looked down and smirked. Consolation? I nodded my head and pushed the door open. Just because he knew didn't mean that anything would change. It would be the same as it always was. Then I felt a hand on my arm.  
  
I turned around and met his patient gaze.  
  
"Do you know what the rain makes me think of, Gojyo?" he asked. "I remember once being alone and unwanted in the world. Then a kind man came along and took me in. Although I was a sinner, he took pity."  
  
He gazed back at me, with pure honesty in his green eyes. "That meant everything… and I haven't forgotten." He smiled softly.  
  
I didn't quite know what to say, so I offered a sort of a smile and laid my hand on his shoulder. He pulled me into an embrace.  
  
"You're not a sinner," I murmured into his ear. "If I thought that, I'd be the biggest hypocrite in this group."  
  
He was quiet a moment. "I know you wouldn't think that. That means a lot."  
  
He released his arms from around my shoulders and offered that smile again. I ruffled his hair and grinned. The mood had gotten too serious for my taste.  
  
"Keep your smiles real around me, Hakkai, and we won't have a problem."  
  
He chuckled and nodded. "Hai, Gojyo-san."  
  
I didn't believe him, but I knew that when push came to shove, I'd know the truth anyway. Somehow it always worked out that way. It always worked out. And the sun always rose, the rain moving on to another town.  
  
The End. 


End file.
